Rotten Apples

Like endless thoughts about the cosmos. Fabrications of the mind about the what-if's and but's. Like frustrations and regrets when everything else is no better than suddenly inhaling a newly mutated strain of anthrax. Like feeling the scalpel slicing your skin, into veins, muscles and bone. Like wanting to scream from pain only to find out you are knocked-out dead from anesthesia. Like wanting to wake up from a nightmare but heartache kills you when awake. Like trying to hold my breath to see if I would faint and eventually die from cyanosis. Like being lost for words in the middle of a blasphemy contest with that bitch. Like being dumped when you are at last, ready for a relationship. Like flunking a licensing exam on your birthday. Like the first night you cried yourself to sleep over a lost lover. Like the stupidity of being curious of how you would feel when you see the bitch for the first time. Like wishing they wouldn't last. Like trying to puff a cigar and hold your breath 'coz you know you couldn't stand to smoke. Like the noise I make when holding back my tears and my snot is about to fall off. Stupid and poignant.
Like you who fell under a douche bag spell. Like the moans from the walls, and the midnight calls, and the stench of undeniable shameless feats. This is for you. Like the feeble minded. Like the douche and dorks, hell made equally provocative to the sophomoric. The melodramatic bitches and scorned one-nighters. This is for you.

Zaccheri Gray - Lullabyes Baby

Get Over It!

I want to believe I have that curse of a strong sixth sense. Just so I could blame it for feeling so down right now. I really shouldn't have opened up and see, let it hang on my face: "the truth" .Feeling like such a big loser. I want to cry it out, I'm so pissed off of myself. I tend to take things for granted, I tend to let them pass. And at the very end, I'm left empty handed wishing I could have just held on to what I had at that very moment. It sucks being me right now. I should learn to stop over thinking things, learn to open up again, even for just a little so I could be happy, even just a bit. Cause I have been down for the longest time, for the same reasons again and again and again. Could it just be a streak of bad luck or I suck at making decisions for myself ? (Maybe both.) I'm gonna go crazy if I get another downer for the rest of this freaking year.

Complication

This is when a simple text message  made me realize that I was so wrong and I had to let go. For A.E.
Saved on my phone's drafts February 2012


Another pending complication shuts. Though it gets me down, and still stings I know I should swallow the bitter taste of pain. It'll pass like before. I hope.


(It did. For awhile.)

Still a note for that one I let slip away. Orig date written : May 21st 2012

Yesterday was a war between this heart and mind

A battle between the senses and judgement

And time alone can tell the tale of the hopeless, broken and hurting

A witness to these old wounds, old dreams old scars

Old dreams that used to flood my sleep

Familiar with the twinge of pain that send tears trickling down this cheek

and an ache I could never get used to.

Now that wounds have scarred,

Dreams now phantoms within these sheets.

Another story to tell to the hopeless romantics,

another story of the same broken heart

this time stung and paying its toll

another scar from love's twisted games

broken,

 hurting.

To Love Somebody( You Tell me How it is)

This was originally written on May 21st 2012 for someone who I thought I could not care so much about and more.

You said all the things that I wanna hear

Did things that I wanted to feel

There's something special, I knew

but I was holding back

 afraid of pain

afraid of going back

in that gloomy old nook

crying myself to sleep

writing love songs of broken hearts,

broken tunes for bleeding hearts

I was chained with these

and you are free

It was a recipe for misery

Didn't look, but you were still there

I never asked, never asked how you felt

I didn't see what I was waiting for,

what I needed was in front of me

And now that I'm ready...

he's not free :(

Words stung me to my core

like shards of glass that poked flesh.

All the imaginings of the heart,

of you and me--- crushed.

All the melodies I used to sing in my head,

Unfinished.

The love I wish I could give,

Broken.

In that gloomy old nook, I sat

Perfectly lonely.

Crying myself to sleep.

Singing of a broken heart.

Jan, jan ka magaling.

I hope people can live up to what comes from their boiling mouths! Even mean what they say, I hate how some people just make promises. Just make. Never act on them. Get your hopes up, then do nothing. Made up almost all available excuses. Again and again. And again. So please don't blame those who find it hard to believe what you say, even if you are already telling the truth. Don't make promises if you don't really mean it! JUST TELL THE TRUTH AND WALK AWAY. Just give me time to vent and all is fine.